It’s not about the running, it’s about the LESSON.
On Tuesdays I teach a beachside yoga class. This class is pretty early for me, but the view is stunning and it’s a perfect spot for yoga. I always love this class.
After class, I head over to another location where I teach Water Aerobics. But I have about 30 minutes of down time. Sometimes I’ll sit in my car and drink a cup of coffee. But recently I’ve started finding a spot to walk in this neighborhood. It’s a beautiful neighborhood with lots of sidewalks and little parks. I found a walking trail called Canopy Shores one day and decided to give it a try. I couldn’t believe how GORGEOUS this paved short walking loop is! HUGE old trees with branches that meander over the path, and have hanging moss all over them - literally create a canopy. The way the sun peaks through the trees creates this almost glistening atmosphere. The squirrels wait until just before I could touch them before scurrying away. An osprey hunts up high in a tree, calling loudly. I hear cardinals and Vireo and Parula all singing their songs. Deer walk nearby into the brush, nibbling on plants as they go. It feels MAGICAL. I tried to take a video and some pictures, but none of them capture what it is I’m experiencing. It is BEAUTIFUL.
So this has become my Tuesday meditation, this walk through the Canopy. Today, as I’m walking around the loop for the first time, I’m again just taking in all the sights and sounds and feel so happy. I see a familiar face up ahead. A new friend that I’ve met recently was there walking too. As we say hi I mention how beautiful this spot is. She responds with the same reaction I have - it feels so magical and meditative and leaves her feeling so happy too. It’s not just me. LOL
We part ways and I keep walking but something is nudging me. I’m sure it’s the endorphins I’m feeling from connecting with nature and beauty and a friend. And I just feel like I want to run. And so I do! I end up jogging a full mile before returning to my walk, and feel exhilarated.
Maybe you’ve read this far, and you’re like, oh, you jogged? All those words were just so you could tell me that you jogged? Lol I mean, in short, yes. But let me tell you why it felt like such a big deal to me.
I used to run. And when I used to run it always had a goal attached to it. I was running for distance, or running for time, and always training for an event. I wasn’t ever just running. I never let my body dictate the run, only the goal. I would push and push (because running is HARD y’all) and forget to look around or even FEEL the run. And so I told (tell) myself that I hate running. I’m sure I enjoyed it to some degree (I did always love when I had a running buddy and we got to have long chats during our runs!), but for the most part I was just constantly trying to be better at it. Like just always striving and pushing instead of EXPERIENCING.
Cardio is hard! Running is hard. And I think now in my brain running holds a lot of connection to an old mindset around exercise. It’s one reason I typically avoid running - because it holds all these reminders of the way I used to approach it. Don’t get me wrong, it holds AMAZING memories too: like watching my mom organize running groups and gettin to see her cross the finish line. getting to get in some training runs with my dad, who always made me faster. deep conversations with a running buddy to help us keep going. That runner’s high that happens when you complete a challenging run. The camaraderie with other runners out on the routes. a lot of amazingly proud moments seeing friends/clients do something so hard too. and the 9 medals I have from completing 1/2 marathons!
But today’s run was different. I was alone. It was impromptu. I didn’t have a chance to plan for it, so there was no distance or time goal - no goal at all except to move in a way that felt good. I’m not training for anything. I just felt like running. So I started running, knowing I could walk at anytime because this was just for fun. And it WAS fun. I could even feel myself smiling. I was wearing my Apple Watch, so I could see distance and time, but I didn’t feel attached to it. I was really excited when I saw that I had gone a whole mile! But I had zero thoughts about how long it took me. It felt SO freeing.
I think the lesson that I learned (and that I’m always relearning) is that when I attach myself to all or nothing thinking, I have less good experiences. But when I let myself feel really tuned in to my body, and practice all or something thinking, I have a lot more good experiences with exercise. And maybe I can start to let go of the “I’m not a runner” or the “I hate running” narrative with more good experiences. Because I don’t actually hate running, I just hated the (self-imposed) rules and pressure that used to come with it.
But listen: these blissful experiences with exercise are NOT the norm. I don’t want you to think I’m saying that “if you can just create a magical experience you’ll always love moving your body.” You definitely won’t. You will not always find joy in exercise - in fact the way you feel about a certain exercise modality can change with every single workout, and that’s ok. Sometimes the lesson is to move through challenge, to do the hard thing even when you don’t want to. Sometimes the lesson is to slow down and embrace gentle movement or rest.
If you can take just a little bit of time to pause and check in with how your body and mind are feeling, and try your best to honor that with the exercise/intensity you choose - if you can find more flexibility in your plans and goals, all or SOMEthing - and I know it sounds scary to some of you, but if you can release that desire to only use exercise as a way to make yourself smaller - you WILL have more joyful experiences than not. It’s a practice, and it will never be perfect, but you are worth the effort!
I have no idea if or when I’ll run again. And that’s ok. Because it’s not about the running - It’s about the LESSON.